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Monthly Archives: September 2011

eeeeeeYyyyak

(the mating call of the yak… of course)

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Body Builders

What is with Quarter Horse people?  First of all, how is this an attractive horse?  Secondly, how is this massive bulk supposed to perform?  DOES NO ONE REMEMBER THAT THE FEATS CALLED FOR IN THE SHOW RING WERE ORIGINALLY TO TEST THE HORSES SUITABILITY FOR A SPECIFIC TASK?!  The only “job” this horse is suitable for is bouncer at a strip club where they waive clean needles instead of singles in gyno-row.

We’re all for substance but come on people, this is a wee bit extreme.

Are there steroids for horses now?  And, if so, do those horses get ‘roid rage?

Did you know that you can breed your mares to this fabulous stud for the low, low price of $5000?  If that’s not enough to seal the deal, the breeders offer an HYPP Guarantee!  That’s right! If your foal is “unregisterable due to HYPP restrictions by AQHA you will be entitled to a rebreed.”  Because, drum roll please, this horse is HYPP N/H!  Excellent!  Let’s contribute to continuing this relatively easily eradicable disease!  But hey, at least if your foal is likely to die, they’ll give ya a do-over.

As a steroid enthusiast, will he too suffer from testicular atrophy like his homo sapien brethren?

Commentary from a concerned (but still amused) reader: “This is the guy who is always at the weights EVERY time you go to the gym. everyone secretly laughs at him because he can’t even wipe his butt properly. (apparently he’s “running” in this picture!)”

Similarly, how would this horse even turn his head?  Does that neck bend at all?

On a more serious note, we did some research on HYPP and did you know that “a secondary characteristic associated with N/H and H/H horses is heavy, bulky muscling that is favored by stock horse judges”.   As per above, what is wrong with Quarter Horse owners?!?  Y’all are your own worst enemies!

Speaking of attractiveness… Pretty sure these dudes qualify for King of the Douches status.

Steroids kill (sperm count and the user’s appeal to the opposite sex).  ICK.

ps.  There is a signature on the pictures and we would love to give credit to the photographer (after all, they are nice pics and it’s not their fault the horse is a ‘roid monkey!), but we were unable to decipher it – however, more information about this stud can be found at www.kidsclassicstyle.com.

Get me mah shears!

I was looking for sale ads the other day for free horses – the idea was to post a few free ads of decent horses with an outrageously priced sale ad and see if anyone could guess which was the horse owned by the people with their heads shoved up their ass.  I may still do that but, for now, I’m stuck on the following sale ad brought to us by the letter “e” for equine.com.

Horse Name Showstopper
Price FREE
Location Liberty, Kentucky
Breed(s) Half-Arabian
Pinto
Sex Stallion
Height 15.0 hands
Color Pinto
Foal Date May 2008
Markings Chestnut Tobiano
Weight
Registrations IAHA – Half-Arabian Horse Association ()
Disciplines
Attributes
Temperament 5 (1=Bombproof, 10=Hot)


“Show is a beautifully marked tall and elegant 3 year old colt. Very well bred with both sire and dam exhibiting classic Arabian type- liquid eyes, typey heads, beautiful necks and a wonderful laid back shoulder that make them a dream to ride. If this colt were “perfect”, he’d be pricey.
Show was born with oddly shaped back feet. My goal is to place him in a wonderful home with access to a talented farrier with the ability to work with him on a regular schedule to try to bring him to as close to “normal” as possible.
If you’re looking for a really neat horse and you’re willing to take the time to work with his feet, please contact me. Please note that I will require a contract and references – I have 3 years invested in him and do not want any harm to come to him.
If you are under the age of eighteen, please make sure you have parental permission before contacting me. They will need to provide references on your behalf.
NO TRADERS/DEALERS!
Will add new photos as soon as the weather clears.
Thanks. “

Step right up! That’s right! It’s a deal of a lifetime! You (yes YOU!) can own your very own half-Arabian x Pinto stallion!  From now on everywhere you go people will whisper in awe, “what the fraggle rock was she thinking?”.  [aside: if you follow us on Twitter you’ll get the fraggle rock comment 😉 ]

Oh, sorry, that’s my bad, I spelled “aww” wrong above – please go ahead and mentally fix that.  Thanks.

WHO THE F*#% – errr, I mean, FRAGGLE ROCK – wants a STUD with fraggled up hind feet?

And I’m sorry but you have “3 years invested in him”? You can’t even afford to properly care for your horse! What exactly have you invested?  The horse is in need of corrective farrier-ing and … hmm what was that other thing he needed? Hold on, let me think.  Oh that’s right: GELDING!! Methinks you should cut your losses and accept the fact that he should NOT be bred and should be given to someone who will love him for the jumbled up mess he and his “oddly shaped” bad feet are.  This is of course is assuming that the seller “invested” some time and did some basic training with him.  We can only hope.

Moral of the story: Don’t try to pawn your mistakes off on other people and if you’re going to breed horses, at LEAST make sure you can properly care for them!

Sorry, guess I should have said “morals of the story”

Hairless… Horses?

I’m sure most of you have heard of the Sphynx cats:

and Chinese Crested dogs:

But horses?

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is a hairless horse.  And this little filly isn’t the only one!  There have been sporadic reported cases over the years.  Records of this phenomena appear to go as far back as 1871, then there was Blue Bell in 1872 and finally Harry made it into the papers in 2003 (the Q&A with Harry’s owner that we linked to, by the way, is amazing – we love to read about people who love their horses as much as this woman did Harry).  We tried to find more information from other sources on the so called “world wide web” however, google let us down this time.  The only sites we found that appeared even remotely credible were ultimatehorsesite.com (where we found Harry!) which had a page with an email from an Akhal-Teke breeder – which eventually got us here.  Apparently the above filly is actually an Akhal-Teke.  This breed is known to suffer from something called Hairless Foal Syndrome – it ain’t pretty (and we don’t just mean that aesthetically, it’s a lethal and painful disease)

It’s interesting to note that the Akhal-Teke breeder and Harry’s owner both talked about inbreeding.  Is hairlessness really the result of a recessive gene as suggested here, or perhaps a faulty gene (see 3rd paragraph here for info on faulty genes) brought on by inbreeding?  The British royals stopped inbreeding a while ago.  If it’s good enough for the British, it’s good enough for the horses!  We’re just sayin’, 3 eyes happen y’all…

Here’s a pic of Harry – isn’t he adorable?

The Horsemunk

It’s that time of the year again.  The leaves are falling, the day is shorter and the temperature is heading towards the dreaded zero.  It’s at this time that the cute little woodland critters go into hibernation.  We wish this stud would go into hibernation too!

This horse was found advertised as a stud and sent to us by a concerned (read amused) reader.

Apparently this talented stud “is stamping his foals with his gorgeous head.”  Hide your nuts, there’s more chipmunks coming!  Ladies and gentlemen, please have your boarding passes ready as we are now boarding the direct flight to Geldingtopia!

The owners of this amazing stud are also selling this beautiful filly (on dreamhorse.com) who “has alot of eye appeal”.  Hopefully their bastardization of the English language goes beyond “alot” and instead of “appeal” they mean “a peel” – as in “I’m gonna go a peel that horrible image from my eyes” (said with a redneck twang, please).

My (DE) first comment upon seeing this filly’s neck went something along the lines of “oh good gawd, what’s wrong with her neck?!”  Seriously, it looks like this baby was hitting the gym with Mr. I Have a Small Peep Body Builder (but his friends call him Ranger ‘Roid).  To which JG gave me a withering stare and not-so-gently reminded me of the ever popular “fitting” and “sweating” techniques.  She had kindly linked to these in our previous post “It’s Just a Baby!” and which can, once again, be viewed here and here.

ps. We realize this filly is currently bum-high but if you look closely and draw a line from her hocks to her knees – she’s most likely going to have a downhill build even when she’s full grown.  Yet another example of humans gradually, and successfully, breeding away the useful characteristics of these once beautiful, working horses.

Bad breeders:

You just got lolcatz’d

Your feet shouldn’t drag on the ground

There are three incredibly wrong things with this ad! (Aside from the grammar. Which is atrocious.)

“this little boy is only 2 years old. He is white and chestnut colour, lives out at the moment. Loves attention and his apples! Selling dinky therefore no-one is able to look after him anymore so needs someone who will pay him lots of attention,need to get rid of him quick therefor daughter is getting a bigger horse, text me if interested”

1. Two years old is pretty young to be started…

2. …especially by someone who is almost as big as the pony! The girls feet are dragging on the ground!

3. Kids should always wear a helmet, no matter how tall or small a horse is. If it’s good enough for a dog, it’s good enough for you, my dear.

Wait, found one more issue… WTF is with that bridle? We understand that it can be hard to fit one to fit a Shetland, but when the bit is half hanging in his mouth, you didn’t do a good enough job!This video was shared in the comments section and we felt it had to be added to the post!


 

WDC: Wheeeeee!!!!!

See kids, it’s cool to wear helmets!

Backyard breeders beware! (also: Sworse)

Once upon a time, in a far away land, there lived a poor, but very well muscled (I’m not kidding, we’re talking six pack abs, rock solid pecs and hello! welcome to the gun show!) stable lad.  The poor but well muscled stable lad was a good, hard worker.  He picked up extra shifts whenever he could, handled all the most dangerous horses that no one else would touch and even took the occasional job squiring the homely daughters of barons around for a night of high society.

The poor but well muscled stable lad worked and worked, and saved and saved, all with the hopes of one day starting his own stud farm (horse studs, not some sort of male escort service.  Although…).  Eventually it came to pass that he saved enough money and was able to buy a colt.  Many people had already bypassed this colt as he was on the small side and lacked presence.  But the stable lad saw beyond the colt’s exterior and recognized the potential underneath.  He paid cash that day and he and the colt walked out of the seller’s barn and on to their new life together.

Years passed, and the poor, but still well muscled stable lad and the colt grew and prospered together.  The colt showed well and people started asking  about breedings to their mares.  The stable lad was very choosey about which mares he would allow his colt to breed with and pretty soon everyone in the land wanted to breed to the colt.  People came from far and wide just for the chance to get a foal by the now full grown stallion.

One day a wealthy business man showed up with 10 mares he wanted to breed to the stallion.  They met in the now fairly prosperous and still well muscled stable lad’s home and after much bartering and inspection of the mares pedigrees and show histories, the stable lad informed the business man that the mares were not suitable to be bred to the colt.

The wealthy businessman flew into a rage!  He ranted and raved and flung his hands about in a fast-forward version of some speed-laced hokey-pokey.  How dare he treat him like this and didn’t the stable lad know who he was!  It was then that he grabbed his musket and a deafening boom reverberated throughout the tiny living quarters.  The stable lad sunk to the floor, clutching his abdomen.

As the very well muscled stable lad lay on the floor of his humble dwelling, dying, the stallion came in and lay beside him.  No one is certain what happened next, but some swear that as the stable lad died, the light left his eyes and a new, bright fire burned in the eyes of the stallion.  After that night, the stallion was never seen again, but many say (in hushed, reverent tones) that he comes in the dead of the night and steals the souls of men and women who try to breed inferior quality “backyard” horses.

Backyard breeders, he’s coming for you…

Don’t look directly at his eye, he’ll steal your soul!

On another note, we’re not sure we can be afraid of anything that looks like a swan…

Wait a minute…

YES WE CAN!!

RUN AWAY!!!!

Find the Quarter Horse!

We thought we’d do something a little fun today given that this week has been kind of serious what with starvation and TWH “trainers”.  So now, without further adieu, today’s contest: Find the Quarter Horse!  Make your guesses in the comments section and we’ll post the answers a little later!

Great horse for an intermediate rider 13 and older. She is gentle and has a sweet personality. She would be good for western pleasure and trail rides or just a companion. She even goes through water and enjoys playing in it. She is up to date on shots and shoes. Pictures do not do her justice. ###-###-####

I hope the pictures don’t do her justice because they sure as hell aren’t doing her any favors!

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12 year old palomino pony for sale. … is stout with big bone and feet.  He can carry a man with no problem. He side passes and will open gates. He has been rode all over the sierra foothills, goes through water and over bridges. He is a great trail horse and will keep up with the big horses. Trailers, ties, clips, bathes and is good for farrier and vet. Current on trims, worming and shots. He would also make a great gymkhana or English prospect. He really likes to move out and is patterned on barrels and poles already. No buck, rear or bolt. Come out and ride him.

I’m not sure they understand what “flashy” means…

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Jared is a great …  stallion that anybody can easily handle. He has been a part of our farm and we have kept several of his offspring. He has produced various colors, including chestnut and palomino pintos, and true blacks. He is being offered for sale as part of our herd reduction. He is a National Top Ten Stallion, with amazing action, and personality. Call for more info.

Because the only skill a stud should really have is consistently passing on different colors…

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Izzy is a 5 YO beautiful and balanced … who is currently in training and has 60 days under saddle. She is a dark bay, with a small star and currently stands … . Being incredibly friendly, she enjoys having lots of human interaction and affection.

Good thing she’s working now – gotta get rid of that hay belly 😉

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Monty is a lovely horse with loads of personality. …. Fantastic mover with stunning good looks. Easy keeper, sound, excellent ground manners, self-loads in trailer. Challenging ride, but tons of fun! Needs confident and skilled rider.

Bonus points if you guess the breeds of the other horses.  Remember, only 1 is a Quarter Horse!

What’s wrong with that horse?

It’s a question most people who are unfamiliar with the Tennesse Walking Horse show circuit usually ask when they see a padded or “Big Lick” horse move for the first time.

The horse in the following video makes us like yesterday’s sellers a little better.  At least their youngster wasn’t started under saddle yet!  This one’s apparently a late yearling, but I guess “coming 2” sounds better – because by 2 all horses are ready to cart around a grown man, right?

If you’re wondering why she’s being encouraged to move like an epileptic German Shepard, it’s because that’s what wins in the show ring.  Don’t believe us?  Here’s the victory lap of the 2010 TWHNC World Grand Champion…

Funny how Tennessee Walkers were originally bred to be smooth strided horses who could quickly cover long distances with minimal effort.  What ever happened to the good ol’ days when horse shows were about how well suited a horse was for a specific purpose?  Now people go to incredible lengths to screw up that naturally smooth gait.

But how does one screw up a horses natural gait train a “Big Lick” gait?  We’re glad you asked – but you may not be after reading what we found out.

There are three main (for lack of a better word) “techniques”:

1.  “Pads” (aka “stacks” or “packages”): Are added onto the horseshoe and held on by a metal band that runs across the hoof wall.  These pads can be up to 4″ thick in the heel and 2″ in the toe.  Imagine being forced to wear stilettos, but never, ever being able to take them off!

2. “Action Devices” AKA Chains:  so-called trainers are permitted (on and off  show grounds) to put chains weighing 2, 4 or 6 ounces on the horses front pasterns to encourage the “Big Lick” walk.  This practice is intended to be used with lubricant to allow the chains to slide easily along the horses pasterns.  I’m sure if you ask an inmate if his handcuffs would be more comfortable with lubricant he’d say yes, but would still vastly prefer not have them on at all!

3.  Soring:  Sounds pleasant, doesn’t it? Using this “technique”, caustic substances are rubbed onto horses pasterns, the bulbs of their heels or coronary bands resulting in burning and/or blistering of the exposed areas.  This is often used in place of the lubricant to make the “action devices” that much more effective.  This causes the horse to accentuate their gaits because THEY ARE IN SO MUCH PAIN!

Another abusive and fiery-death-deserving soring practice includes pressure shoeing.  Wherein the hoof is trimmed down so much that the sole is in direct contact with the shoe or pad.  Some horses are ridden for extended periods on hard surfaces so as to purposefully induce road founder (the horse is in pain and doesn’t want to put its hoof down, thus it elongates it’s stride).  Some “trainers” will go so far as to purposefully introduce foreign objects under the pads (ex. nails or screws) with the knowledge of, and intention to, cause intense pressure.

We’re not saying every TWH trainer uses all of these techniques, but when more than 400 soring violations are recorded at one show, there’s clearly a problem!

By the way, if you’re curious as to what a real running walk should look like:

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