Monthly Archives: October 2011
“A long, long time ago…
I can still remember
How that music used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those people dance”
Ramon had broken in to song, which made the Sworse very uncomfortable. He was now in a socially awkward situation and he really, really did not like those.
“Hey, Don McLean, get to the point. Where’s your freakin’ soul?”
“I was getting to that part, mate.” Ramon replied, slightly perturbed that his serenade was interrupted. “As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted, it was a long, long time ago and music did used to make me smile because boy did I make those people dance. They were like me own personal puppets and I was their puppet master. It was all going great, they’d coo and tell me how adorable I was as I stole their wallets out their pockets.”
The Sworse was unimpressed. “Your being a pick pocket does not explain the lack of a soul.”
“Getting there, mate. I had the perfect set up. Moving on to the next town every three days so no one was the wiser. It happened when I was leaving one town in the middle of the summer. Can’t remember which town it was, you may recall, this happened a long, long time ago.” Ramon taunted the Sworse by breaking in to song again. “So, I’m walking along, just off the sides of the road – keeping to myself. Mostly travelling by night soz not to arouse suspicion. Lone penguin of a certain age, travelling by himself… It don’t look so good, if you know what I mean. Alright, walking along, whistling to myself, when I hear a rustling in the brush. That’s not unusual, it’s mostly wilderness between towns but a penguins still gotta be careful – we’re not exactly at the top of the food chain, ya know.”
It was at this point of the 5 act, 1 penguin play Ramon seemed to be acting out before him that the Sworse started to bang his head against the side of the house.
“Alright! Alright! I’m getting to the good stuff. Jeez. You’re a horse, hold yourself! Haha that was a good one,” Ramon chuckled to himself and literally slapped his knee – or where his knee would be if he wasn’t a penguin and therefore without a knee to slap. “So I’m walking, minding my own business when out of nowhere this old shoe cobbler pops out of the shrubbery, holding a shrubbery, saying something about the Knights of Ni. Dude was totally bonkers, but we had a good laugh and travelled along together for a ways.”
“Next you’re going to say you ran into the Black Knight or the Rabbit of Caerbannog!”
“Really! You’re really going to tell me that the Rabbit of Caerbannog ate your soul?! I don’t have time for this.” The Sworse got up to storm into the house (he was actually going to go watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail but no need to tell Ramon that).
“No no no, I’m just messing with ya mate! It was actually the were-rabbit from Wallace and Gromit!”
“ ‘May contain nuts’ my ass! You are nuts!” quipped the Sworse. “And the were-rabbit was only a danger to veg!”
“You got me there, mate. Well, on with the story in that case. So the cobbler and I were walking along. That’s shoe cobbler, not peach.” Ramon gave the Sworse a sidelong glance but the Sworse refused to acknowledge the remark. “Ok, we’re walking along and the cobbler trips over a stick or a root or something. We take a look to see what it is and low and behold it’s a skeletonised human arm sticking up from the dirt. The long bones are scored as if an animal had been gnawing at it except the teeth marks weren’t made by any known animal. By the way, I used to be a forensic anthropologist. I actually had a guest spot on the TV show Bones but they cut it. C’est la vie. Soz the cobbler and me are staring at this arm, right, postulating as to what could have possibly performed this abominable act. I look up and the cobbler is gone! Just vanished! From right beside me! So at this point I start to panic a bit. I’m just a penguin, I don’t even have opposable thumbs! What can I do against something that can take a grown cobbler without a sound! As I’m standing there, slightly dumbfounded, desperately trying to decide on the best course of action: fight or flight. Well flight’s out of the question because I can’t fly and I can’t even really run; it’s more of a waddle. So I stand there, waiting to face my fate, whatever it may be. And out of the darkness of the trees slinks a beast so terrifying, so hideous, so ghastly in visage it’s more horrifying than Gary Busey!
And as scary as this thing is, it’s almost a beauteous marvel in the way it moves. It flows from the trees, completely soundless, it moves through them as us penguins move through water. One moment there I am, marveling away, and then next I’m on my back and it’s lights out for yours truly.”
“What happened? What happened?” The Sworse found that despite himself he was engrossed in Ramon’s story. He was desperate to know what happened!
“Dunno dude, I woke up a little bruised but none the worse for wear, considering. I was a bit sore all over. And I seemed to have some sort of scrape or wound on my neck but, now that I think about it, it actually healed really quick. Almost too quick… But the days go by, as they tend to do, and I healed. I found I was a little faster, a little stronger but that’s about it mate. Really not such a big deal, as it turns out. Oh and the cobbler? I found him a few days later – he had just wandered off while I was examining the remains. There I was, thinking he had been eaten and really he was totally fine! Ha! Life’s funny sometimes, ain’t it?” Ramon stared off into space, reminiscing about his good friend, the peach cobbler (sometimes Ramon gets confused).
“Great story, but it still doesn’t explain the soulessness!”
“Oh, right. That. Ok well once a month I sprout fangs and have uncontrollable urges to engorge myself on blood and flesh. The beast turned me into a freakin’ were-penguin”
“So when the moon is full you turn into a mindless beast, killing, rampaging and terrorizing in general?” enquired the Sworse in earnest.
“Ya, pretty much. I have a little bit of control, but really it’s taking all of my concentration not to nibble at your leg again mate. I hope you appreciate what I’m doing for you here.”
“Yup, definitely, you got it. Totally appreciative. What did this beast look like exactly?” The Sworse’s brain cogs were turning a mile a minute.
“Like I said, scarier than Gary Busey!
He had a round face, partially obscured by a cowboy hat and carried with him a bridle with a twisted wire snaffle and a large whip.” For the first time that night, Ramon looked truly afraid, his Aussi bravado gone.
“Was this the man that attacked you?” The Sworse whipped out a photo he carried with him at all times.
“Oh my god.” And with those final words, Ramon fled into the dark of the night.
“Wait! Come back!” the Sworse screamed in the direction he thought Ramon had gone. “I need to know more! You have to tell me more!”
But Ramon was gone.
(click the photo of Randy Byers for the story on him from the Fugly Blog)
The Halloween season is a typically busy time for police, firefighters, hookers and the like, but not so for the Sworse. It seems that the forces of evil, intent on destroying the horse industry from within (crappy breeders, horse abusers, and the other broad-spectrum nincompoops), take the day off from horses and aim their mayhem in the direction of the general populace. So what’s a bored Sworse to do?
Sure he could set off some firecrackers. Toss some eggs at a house (or several). Riot, loot, not give a hoot. But really it all seemed quite trivial.
One night, he was sitting on his porch nursing a beer, trying to enjoy a rare night off when he experienced a sharp, stabbing pain in the hock-region of his right leg. The Sworse immediately lashed out, striking with great force, trying to dislodge the lodged impalement but the thing was really in there! He whipped out some killer kung-fu moves and got rid of his unwanted guest only to experience another sharp pain in the hock region of his left leg almost immediately thereafter.
“What the fraggle rock?” exclaimed the Sworse, kicking out again. This time he landed the kick squarely on his attacker and sent him/her/it flying.
The Sworse spun around, eyes wide, nostrils flared, legs splayed, prepared for the next onslaught from the unseen terror. But there was no terrorizing monster to be seen! There was just a cute, cuddly penguin! The penguin was on the far side of the porch, dusting itself off after not sticking the landing of its first (and presumably last as penguins are flightless birds) flight.
“Oi, mate. Not cool.”
“Say what?” The Sworse questioned the air, not realizing the Australian accent was coming from the fluffy, flightless bird.
“Down here, mate.”
“Huh.” The Sworse was not accustomed to talking to land-based aviary creatures and thus was presently incapable of intelligent conversation.
“My name’s Ramon – no relation to the dude on Happy Feet. Nice to meet ya, how ya goin’? Boy you don’t talk much, do ya. No? Well that’s alright. I get it. I’m a peng’ of few words m’self. Me mates is always tryin’ to get me to increase my verbosity and whatnot. Anyways, I’m just passing through, thought I’d stop in, introduce myself to the famous Sworse. Or infamous depending on who’s talkin’, if ya know what I mean. Yup in certain circles you’re known to be good for a bit of mayhem, my friend.” Ramon continued to rattle on in this fashion for several minutes.
Finally, the Sworse had had enough. “What are you doing here! And what the hell are you?” Not forgetting that just moments ago Ramon had made him ponder the date of his last tetanus shot.
“It’s like I said, I heard you were good for a bit of mayhem. It just so happens that yours truly has some privileged information I might be pursuaded to share with the right type of individual.”
“Not interested,” the Sworse grumbled as he turned his chair to face away from his unwanted guest.
“Quit being childish. If I’m disturbing his Sworseness then I’ll be on my merry way.” Ramon replied, not without a note of indignation. “I don’t need no Sworse anyways. What makes him so great?”
“Oh I don’t know, maybe it’s my winning personality, or the rippling muscles of my former owner, or maybe, just maybe, it’s because I can do this…” And as the last word left his mouth, the Sworse’s eyes seemed to pull Ramon down into their intense, ghostly blue flames. He felt like he was drowning and on fire all at once! Just when his little flippers couldn’t handle the heat from the blue flame anymore there was the feeling of water crashing over him, stealing the very breath from his lungs – which is an impressive thing to do to a penguin! And just when his lungs were burning, begging Ramone to take a breath of air, though the only oxygen to be inhaled was the O in the H2O, the flames would begin anew. The intensity of the Sworse’s gaze seemed to penetrate all the way to Ramon’s… “Wow is that what it’s like when you catch bad guys?”
“How did you do that? No one’s ever broken away before.” The Sworse was quite puzzled, so much so that he actually shook his head (it seemed to work for cartoon characters…).
“You can’t steal a person’s soul if there’s no soul to steal.”
To be continued…
I know some of our readers think we’re crazy in regards to our love of costumes. And we probably are. But we’re definitely not alone!
At the Washington International Horse Show they hold a costumed Gamblor’s Choice class, which is basically Jumper’s Girl’s idea of riding heaven. The following video is from 2010 and shows Maclain Ward jumping clear in a chicken costume. One word: EPIC!
Horse Junkies United has a post with a few pics from this year’s competition here. Love that Nick Skelton dressed himself and his horse as a skeleton!
This post is what happens when Jumper Girl is sleep deprived, has access to the internet and a graphics pad and is in charge of the day’s post. She finds it very entertaining. Hopefully, you will too!Apparently equinenow.com has a computer glitch. Or maybe she’s a hermaphrodite?
The first photo was obviously cleverly cropped to avoid suspicion. Government coverups and whatnot. It’s Roswell all over again!
There are a few stereotypes associated with those who follow Parelli. The following screencap is from the Alexa Rankings site and presented without comment. Except for this – hee hee hee!
This post originally started out with us making fun of the horse – well, not the horse but the people who bred him. I know, shocking that we would poke fun at what we assumed to be caused by backyard breeders (Whoa there, Sworse, take it easy boy!). However, we did some digging and this is actually a great story!
It starts with the love of a little girl for a somewhat unconventional looking foal.
Apparently young Diego (the colt) suffers from something called Wry Nose Syndrome. The cause of this syndrome is unknown – whether it be genetic or the result of malpositioning in the uterus. The concern with Wry Nose Syndrome is twofold: 1 – breathing issues, and 2- eating issues. The extent of these issues depend on the severity of the condition.
It was reported in a few places online that Maddison and her family were trying to raise money to perform an operation to, how shall we say… normalize Diego’s face. Unfortunately we were unable to locate any follow up articles on whether or not they were able to raise the money and, if so, how Diego is fairing.
The reason I (DE) in particular wanted to share this story is because this family was trying everything they could to help this foal. They didn’t take the easy way out and put him down. I think that’s great because, if you read the article, Diego is a happy and healthy foal. He’s not in pain, he’s not suffering. These people are trying to give him the chance at a normal life. It was refreshing to read after seeing all the online articles and other blogs posts about horse abuse and slaughter and just all the ugliness in the horse world (well, the world in general, but you know what I’m saying).
“‘He’s a fighter and I am willing to do everything and anything for him – whatever it takes to make sure he has a happy, normal life.
‘When he’s bombing around the field he’s so happy and there’s no way I could put him down – not unless he’s suffering, but not just because he looks different.’ “
After focusing on the negative recently, it’s nice to know that there are people out there who will fight for the horses 🙂
And just in case you were in danger of thinking I was a good person; nope. Diego’s rocking llama-face in the first picture. Llama-lips in particular.
Yup, straight to hell. *rolls eyes at brain*
For more information on Wry Nose Syndrome, check out this article from The Horse.
One of our readers, Erin, sent us a photo of her and her horse dressed up as Night and Day (no, not the Tom Cruise/Cameron Diaz movie! – although, that would make for a scary costume…) and it got us to thinking…
We would LOVE it if those of you who are dressing up your horses this year would send us photos! We’d love to do a post featuring our wonderful readers. Of course it’ll be a few days after Halloween but still fun!
So, if your horse is getting ready to do some trick or treating this year, please send us a pic!
6 Gaited Horse Partial Lease – $200
Walk, trot, canter, running walk, pace, and wickety-wack. Buck and rear at no extra charge. This cantankerous, spoiled Brat of a horse needs another experienced rider to keep him in work this winter. You will fall in love, in spite of yourself. Direct access to trails. Neighborly riding companions available. Please call Crazed Owner* at ### ### #### for more information.
Thank you craigslist, for providing ads such as these that serve to bolster my wavering faith in stupidity… hahahaha oh god, I couldn’t keep a straight face while typing that!
For those of you not in the know, the “wickety-wack” is a new gait developed in the highly specialized breed of Whatever-This-Horse-Is. It’s a beautiful movement that is in fact, so amazing, words cannot describe it! Our apologies, but no photos or videos of this phenomena are available – it’s like the Yetti or the Loch Ness Monster in that it avoids having its picture, similar to the way we mere mortals avoid the plague. But you, you lucky S.O.B. you, get to experience it for the low, low price of $200/month.
Best be snatching this find up immediately because it’s bound to go fast! What with the buck and rear coming at no extra charge. I don’t know what the going rate for emergency vehicle services or hospitalization is in your area, but here it’s damned cheap! In fact, if I have nothing better to do on a Friday night, I throw myself in front of a moving vehicle just so I can get some cheap entertainment.
Now, to address the apparent issue of this horse being a spoiled brat. Somehow I doubt that – horses with the rare talent of the “wickety-wack” are ethereal beings, magnanimous in nature. Clearly the individual writing the above ad is mistaken. Just like they’re mistaken as to what should be included in the ad – height, age, breed, anyone?
Seriously, I had so much to say about this ad all at once and now I’m just dumbfounded (or just dumb, too many boring Friday nights in the ER). You know when you get flabbergasted and just don’t know what to say? That’s where I’m at now. So, with that in mind, I leave you with the immortal words of Kris Kross ” ‘Cause inside-out is wiggity wiggity wiggity wack”
*Name changed (duh)
Recently we asked you readers to help out Strawberry Mountain Mustangs. They wanted public input on sentencing recommendations for the neglect case involving a horse named Grace. The sentencing was on Monday, and we thought we’d take a minute to review the case.Grace after being rescued and fed food she could actually eat.
The good news is that the two women charged in the case will both be facing jail time. Teresa Ann Dicke was sentenced to 8 months and Linda Diane Fessenden to 90 days. While these sentences may not sound long enough to anyone who saw Grace’s condition when she was rescued, they’re much longer than what is typical in an animal neglect case. So yay for setting new precedent!
Another positive thing from this case is that Grace was seized immediately, to give her the best chance at recovery. When we say immediately, we mean it – the officer didn’t even wait for a warrant! This actually set new precedent as well. The defendants tried to challenge the use of Grace as evidence, claiming she had been seized illegally and was therefore inadmissable in court. The law allows for such intervention when a human life is at stake, but was unclear in regards to animals. Now, in Oregan state at least, there is precedent for it applying to animals as well. So yay for that too!
The bad news in this case is that the two defendants are still allowed to own horses. WTF, right? While case law states that they can (and have been!) banned from owning pets, horses are considered livestock, and the ban doesn’t apply to them. Although we’re very happy that cats and dogs are safe from these two, it seems incredibly illogical that the ban wouldn’t apply to whatever type of animal was actually involved in the neglect case.
Unfortunately, it’s rare to have an officer act as quickly as one did in Grace’s case. This is mostly because of the legal issues surrounding seizing an animal.
In Michigan recently, twelve malnourished horses were seized. The article states that animal control worked with the owner for months in an attempt to get the horses in better shape while still in the owner’s care. We agree that if an owner is cooperative, sometimes education alone can be effective. But these horses were not only skinny, they were suffering from various medical ailments as well – ranging from missing eyes to leg deformities! When the horses were finally seized, not only had their condition not improved, but a horse skeleton was found on the property. Surely in this case there was cause to act quickly?
We’re not trying to promote vigilantism or put down the entire justice system, but cases like these make us really wish for a large injection of common sense into the whole process!
Over the past week you, like us, have gotten to know Lee Stanek a little bit. By now you have a decent idea of what he’s about. He’s a speak your mind, consequences be damned; I’m right, you’re wrong, kind of guy. If you’ve been following our posts you probably feel a little dirty, in need of a shower, maybe some brain bleach – or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, you may feel the need to quickly obtain some sort of medieval torture device.
It is with great pleasure (mostly the sick and twisted kind) that we announce our desire to put Lee’s name forward as the first nominee for the Asshat Award.
Certainly you’ve seen the statue by now! Born of the snarcastic genius that is the combined intellectual efforts of your faithful writers, Jumper Girl and Dressage Empress, and forged of the sure, steady (and mighty) pen of Jumper Girl.
*tear* isn’t it beautiful?
We’re asking for people to submit nominations and votes at this time – all of which are to be tallied and awarded on the evilest day of the year: Guy Fawkes Day.
Actually, my only knowledge of Guy Fawkes Day comes from the movie V for Vendetta so perhaps we should stick with the traditionally evil day:
All Hallowes Eve
If y’all would kindly email/comment/facebook/twitter us your votes for Mr. Stanek or your nomination of some other villainous individual who has wronged a horse (or, heaven forbid, horses) we will announce the winner on Monday the 31st and present them with their very own Asshat Award! (yup, that’s right, we’re going to email the winner and inform them of their victory – and will post any responses)