…”I’m sorry, I thought you were a marlin.”
Whaaaa? What is with the title? I have no clue why, but the crazy is raining down hard today. That quote is actually from the movie Bat Thumb. Haven’t seen it? Go, watch it now. I’ll wait.
I’m probably setting myself up for a few rude comments here but please note: none of the following commentary on this sale ad has anything to do with the sellers reported disability. That said, let’s have at ‘er, shall we?!
“absolutely stunning 5YR old guilding . He is Paint and quarter horse mix. Mostly black with 3 white stalkings, This horse came from very nice bloodlines however, there are no papers he was rescued from a farm after being orphaned by both parents due to neglect, the farm was shut down and a few horses saved, he was 5mo old when my friend brought him home. I took him to live with me when he was three, he was the most gorgeous creature! he has a kind eye, and a gentle spirit, and he is so eager to learn and train, I planned to work with him, he is not saddle broke, he has had some ground work, and as i say,, he is quick to do tasks. I became disabled shortly after i got him, and i am not able to work with him anymore, it kills me to let him go, but i really want someone to give him the opportunity to be his full potential. My biggest priority is to find him a good home first, re-homing fee will be according to what you can offer for him. please if your interested in more info call me, and only if your serious please, my name is XXXXXX, and you can reach me at xxx-xxx-xxxx . please call or text as i will not rec email.”
For some reason it appears to be next to impossible for Craigslist sellers to sound out a simple word such as, oh I don’t know, gelding? Come on, it’s not difficult! It’s spelled exactly as it sounds! Honestly, when did grade 1 become optional? Do we blame the students? Or are the teachers just passing kids who haven’t mastered the basics of the English language for shits and giggles? Hmm, actually, that kind of makes sense. I imagine that if I were a grade 1 teacher, I would get quite bored after a while. Maybe that’s what they do while the kids are napping (or whatever) – head on over to Craigslist and laugh at all previous students who can’t sound out gel-ding (it’s a long term investment in their entertainment, obviously). By blatantly ignoring the vast resources of the internet (other than to place the ad, that is), the seller has lead readers to believe this horse is in some sort of guild. Since the term is no longer commonplace, we must therefore assume the horse is in some sort of medieval guild. I dunno, maybe he’s a smithy?
OMG HE’S BEING STALKED! By not just one, but three individuals! I hope they’ve reported this to the police. I was stalked once and let me tell you, it was a terrifying experience. Always looking over my shoulder, feeling like everyone was watching me, every move scrutinized – oh no wait, that was the plot of every single crime drama TV episode ever made (yes, that was a hyperbolic statement). Ahem. Stockings. The horse has three stockings. Ok. Moving on.
I’m sure he comes from really nice bloodlines. I’m 110% willing to believe a complete stranger that the
guilding gelding she’s selling came from ah-mazing bloodlines and will therefore be a super-duper wonderful, most excellent competitor. How dumb do I look?! (WARNING: That’s clearly a rhetorical question since no one knows what I look like, and if you did, it would still be rhetorical because the obvious answer would be: very. I wouldn’t respect you if that wasn’t your answer.)
Once upon a time, there was a mommy horse and a daddy horse and they loved each other very much. One day, a stork flew down from the heavens with a basket betwixt it’s beak which it set gently down in front of the mommy’s stall door. Inside the basket was a tiny bundle of joy; the product of the immense love the mommy and daddy horses felt for each other. The mommy and daddy were overcome with joy! They pranced. They whinnied. The world would know of their ebuliant elation! As time passed though, the owner of the mommy and daddy horses grew less and less thrilled with the wee wonder. All those vet bills, the extra mouth to feed, the time and effort required for training. None of those things were looked upon kindly. So the owner, true to human nature, took out its frustrations passive aggressively on the mommy and daddy by neglecting them. The owner was so neglectful, in fact, that eventually the mommy and daddy horse were like “fuck this shit” and packed up and left. Leaving behind what had once been their source of happiness, but was now just a bitter reminder of the changing tides of human emotion and loyalty. Their foal was now an orphan. -that’s what they meant in the ad, right? ” orphaned by both parents due to neglect”.
As for his “kind eye” he actually has what is commonly known as a pig eye. This is kind of cool because most people think that a pig eye means the horse’s eye is smaller, but in actuality it’s the eye socket that is smaller. The size of the horse’s eyeball doesn’t change, just the skeletal structure surrounding it, dictating how much of the eye you see. There aren’t that many articles available on pig eye, but it has been suggested that this conformational flaw may reduce the afflicted horse’s field of vision. It’s also rumored that pig eyed horses have a tendency to be stubborn and pig-headed (ha!) – although how a physical characteristic can be linked to, or even the cause of, a personality trait is crazy right? That’s like saying people with blonde hair are ditzy! See? INSANE!
cha cha chaaaa