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Category Archives: Bad Horse Ads

Studly von Ugliness

Top ten things wrong with this ad:

“Blazer is a quarter horse stud.. he is a well behaved horse for being a stud.  we have to get rid of him because my daughter got a gelding pony and the stud will not get along with him.  if you have a female horse that you want bred he would be a beutiful one to breed to.  He is about 4 years old. he does not like trailers very well but will load  and he will stand good to get brushed and petted. anyone interested please call”

10. His name is Blazer.  Is he a member of the Purple Cobras? NO! Get a new name!

(I know, this really has nothing to do with the horse but I feel quite strongly about Dodgeball – the movie, not the game).

9.  “he is a well behaved horse for being a stud” – are you frakking kidding me? I know you need to take more precaustions around stallions but, and feel free to call me crazy, I don’t think they should have special stallion rules.  As in, “oh it’s ok that he tries to bite you, he’s a stallion” -or shit like that.  Manners are manners! Gelding, stallion, or big yellow school bus.  <-topically unrelated but the bus knows what it did, oh, it knows.

8.  They’re getting “rid” of him because they bought their daughter a gelding.  WHAT DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!  They’d hold hooves and skip?  WHY did you not plan for the very likely eventuality that the stallion wouldn’t like another horse?  Or, at this point should we just be thanking Grilled Cheesus that you didn’t buy a mare and throw her in with the stud?

7.  “he would be a beutiful one to breed to” – first of all: NO.  Second of all: Hells no! Good gawd that horse is fugly and doesn’t deserve to keep his manberries.

7.5.  What does breeding him have to do with selling him? Which is it? Make up your minds!

6. Why don’t you know how old your horse is? In what scenario would a responsible horse owner not know the age of their horse?  -ok, aside from getting one from a rescue.  But then that begs the question what kind of rescue adopts out an intact stallion?  Which opens up a whole other can of worms.

5.  How is “he doesn’t like to trailer” a selling point? Before telling me that the horse doesn’t have a basic, marketable, skill, why don’t you toss out your guess of how tall he is?  I’d bet good (and bad) money that they haven’t bothered to stick this horse.

4.  OH THANK GAWD HE STANDS TO BE BRUSHED!  I was at a show just the other weekend and my horse wouldn’t stand still for our Stand Still And Be Brushed class – and let me tell you, I was mortified.  Mortified!

3.  Does it look to anyone else like his neck is too short to reach the grass without him bending his knees like a foal would?

2.  Now, that first picture isn’t the best conformation shot I’ve ever seen but his hind legs look nice and straight and posty – good qualities, right? No? They’re not? But then why do they seem to be winning in the halter world?  We could go fishing with all these cans of worms I’m opening 😉

And now, the number one wrong-oooo of this ad?

1.  Everything.  Absolutely everything.

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Beauty is as beauty does (& your kid is spoiled and useless)

Why would you spend $12,000 on a horse when you could buy a beautifulHyacinth macaw?  I mean, it’s about as useful.  Sure you can’t ride it, but maybe the 13 year old who doesn’t pay any attention to her horse would be mesmerized with her new plaything – at least for a few minutes.

Gypsy Vanner Gelding

Brooklyn is a 6 year old black and white gelding whose 13 year old owner does not pay any attention and he needs a new home. Rides and drives, good for ferrier, loads good, stands for bath, and my 5 year old daughter has been riding him for 2 years. Brooklyn  is beautiful, he has two blue eyes and loves little kids.  I’ve been giving pony rides on him lately, and he loves the attention.  I have to many horses and I’m tired and need to spend less time doing barn chores and hang with my kids more.  I am very negotiable at this time.  I need him to go to a good home so I will need referances from a vet or ferrier that this beautiful guy will be taken care of.

That’s why you don’t buy kids a pony for their birthday! No matter how much they beg you!  Horses are a privelege to be earned.  That means lessons, stall cleaning, catch riding – prove that you’re committed to doing whatever it takes to ride and be around horses.  Because if you can’t do that, how do you expect to be the sole owner of, and 100% responsible for, a horse of your own?

I know the common theory is to price horses on the higher side to avoid the KB’s but isn’t $12,000 a bit much? Especially for a horse who’s chief claim to fame is the fact that it’s a Gypsy Vanner?

WHO CARES?!

Did I miss the memo or something? Why are these horses being priced so high?  Do you remember the one that I included in the rank the fuglies post? That one was $14,000, if memory serves. Seriously, if you search equine.com for Gypsy Vanner’s you’ll find horses ranging from $4,000 to $14,000.  And yet, if these horses were Thoroughbreds, or any one of a number of other breeds, exhibiting the same level of “skill” as these horses, they’d be selling for peanuts.

PS.  That $14,000 horse is listed as being 1.5 years old and a “beginner/family propect”.

*head-through-desk*

When in doubt, breed it!

Quarter Horse Chestnut Roan Two yr old  – $200

Two year old filly halter broke, saddle-able, and ground trained has been sacked out shes a little spooky but just needs more work I don’t have the corrals to break her.  she is out of registered stock but no papers.  is bred to a bay overo paint to foal October 20th $200

You don’t suppose that when they said “corrals” they actually meant “cojones“, do you? 😉

Ugh, I don’t know why I’m cracking jokes and throwing down winky faces.  This is gawd-awful!  We debate breaking a two year old and yet here’s the epitome (that’s a little bit of hyperbole for ya, especially given what else is going on in the horse world) of stupid breeding a two year old!  You don’t even know what her final conformation is going to look like!  She still has growing and development to do – which you’re likely going to stunt by forcing her to carry and birth a foal!  (Funny side note: When typing “birth” I accidentally typed “bitch”. Hmmm I wonder if that’s like a Freudian slip of the fingers?)

Why, oh why, did they breed her for an October foal?! Who wants to deal with a brand new baby coming into winter?  Makes you wonder if it wasn’t an accidental pregnancy?  And then, like the hard ass father of a rebelious teenage daughter who gets herself preggers, he wants that little harlot gone from his sight!

“Fillies become sexually mature at around 18 months old, and can foal as two-year olds. However, they are still growing at this age, and pregnancy may hinder their growth. Ideally, mares should not begin breeding until four years of age (to foal at five years), although some are put in foal when they are three.” -from Horses and Horse Information.

But apparently there’s another school of thought which says it’s actually ok for even younger fillies to breed.  However, breeding younger mares was seen to produce smaller horses.  Check out this Q&A on The Horse – note that the answer is from an equine behaviorist, not a veterinarian, and also she’s discussing wild horses in a herd – not an unpapered filly in someones backyard.

Snarky Rider

Hawt Damn I love truth in advertising!

Because then you are introduced to the wonders of the Bipolar Horse!  hehehehe

“Slightly bipolar horse for sale. Beautiful (right out of a fairy tale) white, with one blue eye and one brown. Half Arabian/Half Quarter with papers. Freaks out over EVERYTHING. Birds, squirrels, leaves, bags (paper or plastic), cars, dogs, cats, grass, trees, tires, etc. Personality can shift from loving to murderous in about 1/10 of a second. Has biten (x1), has kicked (x1). Only selling to VERY competent rider/trainer. Ridable by people who enjoy roller costers – not preferrable for people who enjoy life. Must sign disclosure saying you are not suicidal prior to purchase. Selling because husband hates everything about this horse. Easy keeper.”

I love that they specify that the horse is afraid of both paper AND plastic bags!  Guess now there’s no way to take this horse to the grocery store!  Before the cute young bag boy can ask “paper or plastic?” you and the horse you rode in on will be nothing but a puff of smoke!

While I can easily believe a horse is afraid of “cars, dogs, cats” and whatever myriad of other things you want to list, but I have a little bit of trouble with grass.  Is it the way it blows threateningly in the wind?  Perhaps the way it can change direction without a moments notice.  Oh, perhaps it’s the case of a jilted lover.  Perhaps the horse and grass were making googoo eyes at each other, the grass was swaying seductively, luring the horse in by whispering sweet nothings in its ears.  When all of a sudden along game a gust of wind and the grass reached longingly towards it, thus shattering the poor horse’s heart into a million pieces.  That’s the only plausible scenario I can come up with…

“Rideable by people who enjoy roller coasters – not preferable for people who enjoy life.”  I LOVE this sentence.  It’s funny, whimsical and just a tad dangerous – everything a good sentence should be.  Although, I’m not convinced that a roller coaster is the correct metaphor in this instance.  You see, on a roller coaster you’re strapped in and death is unlikely; not impossible, but unlikely.  Perhaps they wanted something more along the lines of sky diving (both are airborne) or a drunken fake bull ride at the local watering hole (both cause whiplash!) – ya ok, when I started that sentence I thought I was on to something, then realized that I had no better metaphors.  Roller coaster it is. As for the second part of the sentence – maybe someone should have handed them a coke (“Enjoy Life” – slogan since 1923).

All kidding aside – I wonder how much of the horse’s personality disorder is inherent and how much was a direct result of her current owners?  The age old nature vs. nurture debate. Since I can’t imagine any experienced horse people actually advertising their horse as “bipolar” I’m leaning towards these people not having the requisite experience to handle anything but a 100% pure angel – so, um, not a horse 😛  What do you think?

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Speaking of truth in advertising, do you all remember the Pain in the Ass Mini Donkey ad?  I posted it here a while ago because it’s pure awesomesauce.  Well, they’ve since updated it with a picture!!!

Die a slow, horrible death

I know there’s a ongoing debate, dividing the horse world between those that think 2 years old is an acceptable age to start a horse, and those that don’t, but I’m sure we can all agree THIS IS SO VERY, VERY WRONG!

Get the fuck off that baby before I yank you off, reach out and manually remove your babymaker, you fucking ignorant hillbillies (I’m referring to the parents, not the kids – they don’t know any better and are um like 3…)

People like you make me want to maim and kill.  What kind of assbackwards thinking leads you to ‘hey, she’s 10 months old! let’s ride the stuffing outta her!’?

I would love to know how the hell they broke this filly (and here I’m using the term both in the equestrian-specific way and as in “Hey Virgil! You dun broke the chair, ya good fer nuthin’ sumbitch.”).  Seriously, did an adult break her or the three year old child?  I honestly do not know which is worse.  Well, worse for the filly would obviously be if an adult broke her…

Anyone else hoping that it’s just the photo/stride – because that appears to be one painfully tight girth.

Your three year old works the filly in the round pen?  HOW?! The kid is three!  Looking past the abuse you’re heaping on this poor filly, what about the danger you’re putting your own child in?

—————

As I was rereading this post I realized it’s not very well put together; however, it’s been four days since this ad was emailed to me and I am still so very mad at these horribly stupid people that I can’t see straight.  So I’m just going to end it.  There’s nothing funny here.  There’s nothing to learn.  Anyone who isn’t married to their cousin, in the horse world or not, knows this is beyond wrong for so many reasons.  Please feel free, and encouraged, to share in my rage.

I hope to post something funny tomorrow to make up for this.  Humorous brain bleach, if you will.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the FUGLIEST of them all!

I’ve had a umm few ads sent to me this week (thanks guys!) and I thought instead of hearing me rant about them all, or potentially missing some and not ranting at all, here are the pics from their ads (click the pics to take you to the ads) and I want to know who you think is the fugliest!

Rank the fuglies!

1.  Our first contestant is a (possibly) parrot mouthed, 3 year old H/H stud who will be shot if someone doesn’t buy and geld him.

Also “Coon and pigeon toed. Feet are a problem so might need special shoes.”

2.  Contestant number two is a Gypsy Vanner/Appaloosa cross – do I really need to say more?

I suppose I could comment on the draw/side rein perversion being used WHILE JUMPING!!! -hopefully in conjunction with real reins, but if they’re there they’re masters at hiding!  And oh good gawd that horse is not black! “Carly is PITCH BLACK” NO! SHE’S NOT!  For the bargain price of $14,000 you can “Ride her, breed her or just look at her” FML.

3.  “she is hatler broke”

4.  Contestant number four is an APHA stallion, free to good home as he “has a lung condition that limits the amount of work he can do” but he has “produced many beautiful babies”. Uhuh.

5.  Ok, the ad is actually for this foal’s sire, but how could I not include this?  Poor little mini baby!

6.  I’m sorry sir, you’ve confused a pony with a CAMEL!

“he looks like a pure breed but no nothing about ponys” – yeah, no shit!  Nailed the hammer right on the head there now didn’t ya?

7.  This mare is for sale but there is literally no information about her in the ad!

Why advertise a 4 yo BLM mare to beginners?

Der! Because every. single. experienced. rider. KNOWS she ain’t worth $2300!

sweet 4 year old BLM registere mustang mare, Well my client that has her mustang mare in training with me would like to sell her, she would like to find that forever home for her. She is a true buckskin with black legs, she has a star strip and snip of whit on her face, her name is “MEADOW” she has a true mustang head a Roman nose looks like a ANDALUSAN head. Meadow is 15hh or so about 1300 lbs look like she may have some draft in her she is heavy boned and has awesome feet no need for shoes. She is current on vaccines, wormer and teeth, she ties, bathes even lets you wash her face, she trailers, saddles & stands for mounting, she has been in my care for 3 weeks for tune up, & evaluation of what she knows, she lunges, when riding her she walk, trots and is learning to canter, I have taken her on some trails and she is great very curious and not spooky, she is learning to go through water. After Evaluating her I feel she would be a great trail horse for an Advanced beginner/ intermediate person, only because of her age she is still learning left right with her bit but catches on fast I feel she would make a great trail horse as her footing is awesome she is wel balanced, she would make a great ranch horse. video and photos http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1tSf5cRz7t4&feature=colike Client is Asking $2300 MAKE OFFER”

Honestly, $230 would be a more appropriate price tag for this mare.

I do so love that a self proclaimed “trainer” is touting the fact that the mare “even lets you wash her face”.  Lets?  REALLY?!  Good gawd.  The trainer then goes on to say that she feels the mare would be suitable for an “advanced beginner/intermediate”… well she says person but I’m going to assume she meant rider because, honestly, what’s an advanced beginner person? Someone who can walk down the street without a helmet and full body bubble wrap armor? (Purposefully misunderstanding people can be fun!  Come on, just picture the advanced beginner person!! teehee)  A 4 YEAR OLD HORSE IS NEVER -sorry, that wasn’t enough emphasis – NEVER a beginner’s mount!  NEVER!  Not ever! I mean, come on! “she is still learning left right with her bit“.  What. The. Fraggle rock.

Ok, now watch the video and then we’ll chat.

Or, for the wonderful reader who emailed me to say she couldn’t access the videos, click here! 🙂

Did anyone else notice the too small circles the rider (presumably the trainer?) kept the mare on?  Both while lunging and riding?  Hmm, could that have been to keep the mare from getting too quick, jumping around, or any other 4 year old type behavior that would not suit a beginner rider?  If that is the trainer in the video – we need to have a chat about your methodology.  When lunging a young horse, do not back away from it.  It is for the horse to move out of your safety bubble, not the other way around.  Do not rush the horse out away from you in that manner – what do you think will happen when the beginner who buys her, because they don’t know any better, goes to lunge her for the first time?  The poor mare is going to go charging out on the lunge, as you have taught her, and the beginner isn’t going to know what to do! And did anyone else think the mare looked a bit off at times?  Although I suppose we could chalk that up to the too tight circles she was being forced to run around on, placing undue stress on her young, developing joints…

Ok, we’ve moved past the lunging and are now putting the saddle on.  This isn’t a commentary on the horse or her suitability (or lack thereof) as a beginner mount, but what the fuck is that person thinking tightening the cinch in that manner? (See approximately 3:30 of the video.)  You have a nice young mare that’s standing almost perfectly still for you to saddle her and then you go and do something that will sooner or later make her sour?  WAY TO GO GENIUS!  (On a side note: LEAVE THE FANCY CAMERA-WORK TO THE PROs! Scorcese, you are not.)  Honestly, who tightens a cinch like that?!

And then: the riding.  There were times during the video when it looked like the mare was getting a little speed on her, then the rider would circle.  Not a proper circle, mind you, more of an oval as the mare fell through her outside shoulder.  I know, I know, it’s a sales video, not a training one… But I’d rather see how a young horse takes and responds to a correction than have something go unchecked! -I guess that, again, is why they’re marketing to beginners… ARGH!!!!! Who saw the Wolverine movie? You know when Hugh Jackman falls to his knees and screams at the heavens?  THAT’S WHAT I FEEL LIKE DOING!!!!!

Honestly, what do y’all think? Is this a decent sales video? Or would you prefer to see some corrections?  Was the lunging as bad as I thought it was? Or did someone piss in my cornflakes again?

Please sir, can I have some more… bullshit?

“2 registered TB stallions, Great bloodlines! They are both available for stud service until they are sold call for any info you need and for pricing. 231-709-5719 for sale or trade.”

Please sir, allow me to take you at your word on the value and “great bloodlines” these 2 TB studs undoubtedly have.  You seem a trustworthy sort of gent and as such I wouldn’t dare impune your character by asking you to provide any sort of information whatsoever on the 2 offered at stud.  In fact, you’re doing this world such a service by making these “great bloodlines” available that I salute you.  Good job, you.   Thank the almighty fuzzy that upstanding citizens such as yourself are around and well to keep the craptacular horses a-flowing.

WHAT IS SO GODDAMNED SPECIAL ABOUT THESE TWO THOROUGHBREDS?

I can tell you one thing; if they did, in fact, have outstanding genetics, they wouldn’t be listed on craigslist!

Does anyone else think they look like YEARLINGS?!  Underdeveloped, unmuscled, short, yearling-like tails… Obviously none of that is conclusive proof, but nor is it condemning evidence to the contrary.

The photos are shite so it’s hard to offer up a legit conformation analysis.  Plus, if they are yearlings (and the more I look at their builds and the tails, the more I lean towards that clinical assessment), their conformation is going to change a bit over the next two years.

Speaking of shite pictures, why, oh dear gawd why, are they posting a picture in which the horse is spooking (best case scenario) or trying to get away from its handler (not the worst case scenario).  Hold on, I know what they’re trying to do!  They’re trying to set up the horse similar to these ones!  Bravo, sir!  Bra-frakking-vo.  How lazy do you have to be to not feel the need to snap another pic to replace that one.  Perhaps, in the second attempt they could have cut out the gray’s feet, like they did the bay’s, so we can’t see what looks to be fairly long toes on that poor horse.

If they are yearlings, WHY ARE YOU OFFERING THEM AS STUDS?!?!?!?!?!!? *headdesk* (for when a *facepalm* just won’t do)

Why confused people shouldn’t “train” horses

(And here I’m using the word “train” in the sense that each and every time you work with a horse, you’re training it.)

More Photo & Video available at http://www.photobucket.com/BRSCarmaq

Extremely FLASHY & Eye Catching gelding.  Handsome, tall and lengthy boy with PRESENCE!  Lots of leg.  Beautiful mover with natural flowing strides. Very comfortable ride.

Well trained hunter with previous Show experience!  Eager to please and LOVES to work!  Knows lead changes, moves off leg easily.  Will take a rider to the top! Always collected and with his beautiful strides would make a great Dressage prospect.  Could also go Western Pleasure easily, already demonstrates a beautiful slow collected trot & canter for it!  May be a good addition to a lesson program for Intermediate to Advanced riders interested in showing.

Magnificent gelding, Loves attention and has a level head with a cute affectionate little boy personality.  Will always greet you at the gate. Very sweet & curious! Great head on his shoulders.

DOUBLE Registered with HAHR and NSHR.  Great bloodlines! Saddlebred/Arab cross.  Sire is Dream Quest, multi Champion & Dam is proven producer of Show winners.

Needs a home where he has a job and is worked on a regular basis. 

Special consideration for Show home!”

There seems to be some confusion here.  I have NO CLUE what the lunger is trying to achieve with the lungee.  Are those side reins? Draw reins? Long lines? or some perversion of some other training tool?  Because to me, and believe me I stared at these photos and videos for quite some time, it looks like the two lines are on either side of the horse, hooked to the surcingle, looped through the bit and then looped through an upper link on the surcingle, bringing the line back to the lunger.  Effectively creating some sort of lunging draw reins.

NO! THAT IS WRONG!

First off, when using draw reins while riding, you don’t ride off the damn draw reins, they’re secondary to the reins.  They’re a training tool to back up your aids when asking your horse to move forward and remain light on the bit.  Typically, draw reins are used under saddle and side reins are used for lunging.  And yet, these aren’t draw reins and they definitely are not side reins!  Side reins are a set length to provide a (for lack of a better word) wall for your horse to hit – the more your horse pulls the more he creates his own bit pressure, and then when he yields, so do the side reins.  They can be a great tool to help your horse engage his topline muscles when not being worked under saddle, provided you’re using them properly.  But this is not what we’re seeing here.  (For a good overview on the proper usage and purpose of draw and side reins, check out this article on Equisearch.com)

The next option is some type of long line.  There are a few different purposes of long lining; ranging from starting a horse to working on collection.  Yeah… I don’t see that here either.

Would you like to know why, in my opinion, what the lunger is doing is fundamentally wrong?  They’re holding that inside “rein” taught, and yet it is impossible for them to give the horse a steady contact.  THAT’S WRONG!  When riding, you want your elbow to be elastic, to move with the horse, in order to provide steady communication through contact.  I have no idea what the lunger is attempting to communicate but it sure ain’t steady or elastic!  And why is that horse’s nose pulled to his chest? Some sort of lunging rollkur?  That can’t be right, the horse isn’t tracking up at all,indicating the horse isn’t generating energy from behind (impulsion) nor using its back muscles (topline) properly.  Bad, bad and more bad!

In a recent study published on TheHorse.com scientists are questioning the physiological harm purportedly done by rollkur.  That’s all well and good.  It may be that hyperflexion, when done for short periods of time (3 second rule!) is beneficial.  But there’s um, one key difference between achieving rollkur and what this person is doing – rollkur has the leg and body cues of the rider to back it up, whatever this is doesn’t!

And the biggest concern of all?  Aside from not knowing what the hell they’re trying to accomplish?  SAFETY!!!  What happens if that horse spooks or trips?  Somehow gets away from the lunger?  It may not be as bad as lunging with draw reins, but it sure ain’t foolproof!  Which, given who’s lunging the horse, it may just need to be.  Oh, I’m sorry.  Did I just go too far?

PS.  You need more than a slow canter for western pleasure… even I know that! 😉

Hunted. Hunting. Hunter.

The following ad was sent to us by a concerned reader due to the horse’s unpleasing aesthetics.  Seriously, someone beat that horse with the ugly stick.  I was all ready to make fun of it with comments such as “what the hell are the sellers thinking,” “someone beat that horse with the ugly stick”, “who’s going to pay $3000 for that” and so on and so forth.  But then I started looking into what’s desired in a hunter mount and this horse may not be the worst option ever.

The first thing you want to look for when purchasing a hunter prospect is the way it moves.  Ideally, the hunter horse has kind of flat gaits, with minimal flexion of the joints (opposite of the expressive gaits one would look for in a dressage prospect).  (Check out wiki here for more info, or here is an insightful article from HorseChannel.com)

I give you: Exhibit A

Now, I wouldn’t necessarily say that horse has a nice “long, sweeping stride” but he looks like he’d be pretty damn happy to go ’round the course in a long and low-type frame.

The next thing they look for in a nice little hunter horse, is his jump.  You want the hunter horse to have cute, neatly tucked up knees.  You want them to be efficient in the air – that is to say no “hang time” over the fence. While no jumping shots were provided, this little guy has quite the high point of shoulder, giving him the appearance of a fairly open shoulder angle which would theoretically allow him the freedom of movement to jump properly.

Unfortunately, when you draw in some lines and really examine the angle, it’s not that great.  And honestly, with such a high point of shoulder he’s got quite a bit of almost vertical chest – my expertise isn’t conformation (that’s JG’s area) but I am wondering how that would affect his jump.  Would it hinder his range of motion? Maybe cause him to dangle a leg over the fences?  Or would it not affect him?  Plus, when you look at the whole of him; the short neck, the less-than-ideal neck/shoulder attachment, the unclean throatlatch, the short back (which isn’t always a bad thing) and the weak gaskins…

he’s…well… goddam someone beat that horse with the ugly stick!  I’m sorry, I’m sure he’s got a lovely personality.  He is 3… that can be an awkward age… maybe he’ll grow out of some of those faults!

Whoever priced him at $3,000 was smoking crack.

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