Top ten things wrong with this ad:
“Blazer is a quarter horse stud.. he is a well behaved horse for being a stud. we have to get rid of him because my daughter got a gelding pony and the stud will not get along with him. if you have a female horse that you want bred he would be a beutiful one to breed to. He is about 4 years old. he does not like trailers very well but will load and he will stand good to get brushed and petted. anyone interested please call”
10. His name is Blazer. Is he a member of the Purple Cobras? NO! Get a new name!
(I know, this really has nothing to do with the horse but I feel quite strongly about Dodgeball – the movie, not the game).
9. “he is a well behaved horse for being a stud” – are you frakking kidding me? I know you need to take more precaustions around stallions but, and feel free to call me crazy, I don’t think they should have special stallion rules. As in, “oh it’s ok that he tries to bite you, he’s a stallion” -or shit like that. Manners are manners! Gelding, stallion, or big yellow school bus. <-topically unrelated but the bus knows what it did, oh, it knows.
8. They’re getting “rid” of him because they bought their daughter a gelding. WHAT DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?! They’d hold hooves and skip? WHY did you not plan for the very likely eventuality that the stallion wouldn’t like another horse? Or, at this point should we just be thanking Grilled Cheesus that you didn’t buy a mare and throw her in with the stud?
7. “he would be a beutiful one to breed to” – first of all: NO. Second of all: Hells no! Good gawd that horse is fugly and doesn’t deserve to keep his manberries.
7.5. What does breeding him have to do with selling him? Which is it? Make up your minds!
6. Why don’t you know how old your horse is? In what scenario would a responsible horse owner not know the age of their horse? -ok, aside from getting one from a rescue. But then that begs the question what kind of rescue adopts out an intact stallion? Which opens up a whole other can of worms.
5. How is “he doesn’t like to trailer” a selling point? Before telling me that the horse doesn’t have a basic, marketable, skill, why don’t you toss out your guess of how tall he is? I’d bet good (and bad) money that they haven’t bothered to stick this horse.
4. OH THANK GAWD HE STANDS TO BE BRUSHED! I was at a show just the other weekend and my horse wouldn’t stand still for our Stand Still And Be Brushed class – and let me tell you, I was mortified. Mortified!
3. Does it look to anyone else like his neck is too short to reach the grass without him bending his knees like a foal would?
2. Now, that first picture isn’t the best conformation shot I’ve ever seen but his hind legs look nice and straight and posty – good qualities, right? No? They’re not? But then why do they seem to be winning in the halter world? We could go fishing with all these cans of worms I’m opening 😉
And now, the number one wrong-oooo of this ad?
1. Everything. Absolutely everything.
Why would you spend $12,000 on a horse when you could buy a beautifulHyacinth macaw? I mean, it’s about as useful. Sure you can’t ride it, but maybe the 13 year old who doesn’t pay any attention to her horse would be mesmerized with her new plaything – at least for a few minutes.
Gypsy Vanner Gelding
Brooklyn is a 6 year old black and white gelding whose 13 year old owner does not pay any attention and he needs a new home. Rides and drives, good for ferrier, loads good, stands for bath, and my 5 year old daughter has been riding him for 2 years. Brooklyn is beautiful, he has two blue eyes and loves little kids. I’ve been giving pony rides on him lately, and he loves the attention. I have to many horses and I’m tired and need to spend less time doing barn chores and hang with my kids more. I am very negotiable at this time. I need him to go to a good home so I will need referances from a vet or ferrier that this beautiful guy will be taken care of.
That’s why you don’t buy kids a pony for their birthday! No matter how much they beg you! Horses are a privelege to be earned. That means lessons, stall cleaning, catch riding – prove that you’re committed to doing whatever it takes to ride and be around horses. Because if you can’t do that, how do you expect to be the sole owner of, and 100% responsible for, a horse of your own?
I know the common theory is to price horses on the higher side to avoid the KB’s but isn’t $12,000 a bit much? Especially for a horse who’s chief claim to fame is the fact that it’s a Gypsy Vanner?
Did I miss the memo or something? Why are these horses being priced so high? Do you remember the one that I included in the rank the fuglies post? That one was $14,000, if memory serves. Seriously, if you search equine.com for Gypsy Vanner’s you’ll find horses ranging from $4,000 to $14,000. And yet, if these horses were Thoroughbreds, or any one of a number of other breeds, exhibiting the same level of “skill” as these horses, they’d be selling for peanuts.
PS. That $14,000 horse is listed as being 1.5 years old and a “beginner/family propect”.
Quarter Horse Chestnut Roan Two yr old – $200
Two year old filly halter broke, saddle-able, and ground trained has been sacked out shes a little spooky but just needs more work I don’t have the corrals to break her. she is out of registered stock but no papers. is bred to a bay overo paint to foal October 20th $200
You don’t suppose that when they said “corrals” they actually meant “cojones“, do you? 😉
Ugh, I don’t know why I’m cracking jokes and throwing down winky faces. This is gawd-awful! We debate breaking a two year old and yet here’s the epitome (that’s a little bit of hyperbole for ya, especially given what else is going on in the horse world) of stupid breeding a two year old! You don’t even know what her final conformation is going to look like! She still has growing and development to do – which you’re likely going to stunt by forcing her to carry and birth a foal! (Funny side note: When typing “birth” I accidentally typed “bitch”. Hmmm I wonder if that’s like a Freudian slip of the fingers?)
Why, oh why, did they breed her for an October foal?! Who wants to deal with a brand new baby coming into winter? Makes you wonder if it wasn’t an accidental pregnancy? And then, like the hard ass father of a rebelious teenage daughter who gets herself preggers, he wants that little harlot gone from his sight!
“Fillies become sexually mature at around 18 months old, and can foal as two-year olds. However, they are still growing at this age, and pregnancy may hinder their growth. Ideally, mares should not begin breeding until four years of age (to foal at five years), although some are put in foal when they are three.” -from Horses and Horse Information.
But apparently there’s another school of thought which says it’s actually ok for even younger fillies to breed. However, breeding younger mares was seen to produce smaller horses. Check out this Q&A on The Horse – note that the answer is from an equine behaviorist, not a veterinarian, and also she’s discussing wild horses in a herd – not an unpapered filly in someones backyard.
Because then you are introduced to the wonders of the Bipolar Horse! hehehehe
“Slightly bipolar horse for sale. Beautiful (right out of a fairy tale) white, with one blue eye and one brown. Half Arabian/Half Quarter with papers. Freaks out over EVERYTHING. Birds, squirrels, leaves, bags (paper or plastic), cars, dogs, cats, grass, trees, tires, etc. Personality can shift from loving to murderous in about 1/10 of a second. Has biten (x1), has kicked (x1). Only selling to VERY competent rider/trainer. Ridable by people who enjoy roller costers – not preferrable for people who enjoy life. Must sign disclosure saying you are not suicidal prior to purchase. Selling because husband hates everything about this horse. Easy keeper.”
I love that they specify that the horse is afraid of both paper AND plastic bags! Guess now there’s no way to take this horse to the grocery store! Before the cute young bag boy can ask “paper or plastic?” you and the horse you rode in on will be nothing but a puff of smoke!
While I can easily believe a horse is afraid of “cars, dogs, cats” and whatever myriad of other things you want to list, but I have a little bit of trouble with grass. Is it the way it blows threateningly in the wind? Perhaps the way it can change direction without a moments notice. Oh, perhaps it’s the case of a jilted lover. Perhaps the horse and grass were making googoo eyes at each other, the grass was swaying seductively, luring the horse in by whispering sweet nothings in its ears. When all of a sudden along game a gust of wind and the grass reached longingly towards it, thus shattering the poor horse’s heart into a million pieces. That’s the only plausible scenario I can come up with…
“Rideable by people who enjoy roller coasters – not preferable for people who enjoy life.” I LOVE this sentence. It’s funny, whimsical and just a tad dangerous – everything a good sentence should be. Although, I’m not convinced that a roller coaster is the correct metaphor in this instance. You see, on a roller coaster you’re strapped in and death is unlikely; not impossible, but unlikely. Perhaps they wanted something more along the lines of sky diving (both are airborne) or a drunken fake bull ride at the local watering hole (both cause whiplash!) – ya ok, when I started that sentence I thought I was on to something, then realized that I had no better metaphors. Roller coaster it is. As for the second part of the sentence – maybe someone should have handed them a coke (“Enjoy Life” – slogan since 1923).
All kidding aside – I wonder how much of the horse’s personality disorder is inherent and how much was a direct result of her current owners? The age old nature vs. nurture debate. Since I can’t imagine any experienced horse people actually advertising their horse as “bipolar” I’m leaning towards these people not having the requisite experience to handle anything but a 100% pure angel – so, um, not a horse 😛 What do you think?
I’ve had a umm few ads sent to me this week (thanks guys!) and I thought instead of hearing me rant about them all, or potentially missing some and not ranting at all, here are the pics from their ads (click the pics to take you to the ads) and I want to know who you think is the fugliest!
Rank the fuglies!
1. Our first contestant is a (possibly) parrot mouthed, 3 year old H/H stud who will be shot if someone doesn’t buy and geld him.
Also “Coon and pigeon toed. Feet are a problem so might need special shoes.”
2. Contestant number two is a Gypsy Vanner/Appaloosa cross – do I really need to say more?
I suppose I could comment on the draw/side rein perversion being used WHILE JUMPING!!! -hopefully in conjunction with real reins, but if they’re there they’re masters at hiding! And oh good gawd that horse is not black! “Carly is PITCH BLACK” NO! SHE’S NOT! For the bargain price of $14,000 you can “Ride her, breed her or just look at her” FML.
3. “she is hatler broke”
4. Contestant number four is an APHA stallion, free to good home as he “has a lung condition that limits the amount of work he can do” but he has “produced many beautiful babies”. Uhuh.
5. Ok, the ad is actually for this foal’s sire, but how could I not include this? Poor little mini baby!
6. I’m sorry sir, you’ve confused a pony with a CAMEL!
“he looks like a pure breed but no nothing about ponys” – yeah, no shit! Nailed the hammer right on the head there now didn’t ya?
7. This mare is for sale but there is literally no information about her in the ad!
Der! Because every. single. experienced. rider. KNOWS she ain’t worth $2300!
“sweet 4 year old BLM registere mustang mare, Well my client that has her mustang mare in training with me would like to sell her, she would like to find that forever home for her. She is a true buckskin with black legs, she has a star strip and snip of whit on her face, her name is “MEADOW” she has a true mustang head a Roman nose looks like a ANDALUSAN head. Meadow is 15hh or so about 1300 lbs look like she may have some draft in her she is heavy boned and has awesome feet no need for shoes. She is current on vaccines, wormer and teeth, she ties, bathes even lets you wash her face, she trailers, saddles & stands for mounting, she has been in my care for 3 weeks for tune up, & evaluation of what she knows, she lunges, when riding her she walk, trots and is learning to canter, I have taken her on some trails and she is great very curious and not spooky, she is learning to go through water. After Evaluating her I feel she would be a great trail horse for an Advanced beginner/ intermediate person, only because of her age she is still learning left right with her bit but catches on fast I feel she would make a great trail horse as her footing is awesome she is wel balanced, she would make a great ranch horse. video and photos http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1tSf5cRz7t4&feature=colike Client is Asking $2300 MAKE OFFER”
Honestly, $230 would be a more appropriate price tag for this mare.
I do so love that a self proclaimed “trainer” is touting the fact that the mare “even lets you wash her face”. Lets? REALLY?! Good gawd. The trainer then goes on to say that she feels the mare would be suitable for an “advanced beginner/intermediate”… well she says person but I’m going to assume she meant rider because, honestly, what’s an advanced beginner person? Someone who can walk down the street without a helmet and full body bubble wrap armor? (Purposefully misunderstanding people can be fun! Come on, just picture the advanced beginner person!! teehee) A 4 YEAR OLD HORSE IS NEVER -sorry, that wasn’t enough emphasis – NEVER a beginner’s mount! NEVER! Not ever! I mean, come on! “she is still learning left right with her bit“. What. The. Fraggle rock.
Ok, now watch the video and then we’ll chat.
Or, for the wonderful reader who emailed me to say she couldn’t access the videos, click here! 🙂
Did anyone else notice the too small circles the rider (presumably the trainer?) kept the mare on? Both while lunging and riding? Hmm, could that have been to keep the mare from getting too quick, jumping around, or any other 4 year old type behavior that would not suit a beginner rider? If that is the trainer in the video – we need to have a chat about your methodology. When lunging a young horse, do not back away from it. It is for the horse to move out of your safety bubble, not the other way around. Do not rush the horse out away from you in that manner – what do you think will happen when the beginner who buys her, because they don’t know any better, goes to lunge her for the first time? The poor mare is going to go charging out on the lunge, as you have taught her, and the beginner isn’t going to know what to do! And did anyone else think the mare looked a bit off at times? Although I suppose we could chalk that up to the too tight circles she was being forced to run around on, placing undue stress on her young, developing joints…
Ok, we’ve moved past the lunging and are now putting the saddle on. This isn’t a commentary on the horse or her suitability (or lack thereof) as a beginner mount, but what the fuck is that person thinking tightening the cinch in that manner? (See approximately 3:30 of the video.) You have a nice young mare that’s standing almost perfectly still for you to saddle her and then you go and do something that will sooner or later make her sour? WAY TO GO GENIUS! (On a side note: LEAVE THE FANCY CAMERA-WORK TO THE PROs! Scorcese, you are not.) Honestly, who tightens a cinch like that?!
And then: the riding. There were times during the video when it looked like the mare was getting a little speed on her, then the rider would circle. Not a proper circle, mind you, more of an oval as the mare fell through her outside shoulder. I know, I know, it’s a sales video, not a training one… But I’d rather see how a young horse takes and responds to a correction than have something go unchecked! -I guess that, again, is why they’re marketing to beginners… ARGH!!!!! Who saw the Wolverine movie? You know when Hugh Jackman falls to his knees and screams at the heavens? THAT’S WHAT I FEEL LIKE DOING!!!!!
Honestly, what do y’all think? Is this a decent sales video? Or would you prefer to see some corrections? Was the lunging as bad as I thought it was? Or did someone piss in my cornflakes again?
“2 registered TB stallions, Great bloodlines! They are both available for stud service until they are sold call for any info you need and for pricing. 231-709-5719 for sale or trade.”
Please sir, allow me to take you at your word on the value and “great bloodlines” these 2 TB studs undoubtedly have. You seem a trustworthy sort of gent and as such I wouldn’t dare impune your character by asking you to provide any sort of information whatsoever on the 2 offered at stud. In fact, you’re doing this world such a service by making these “great bloodlines” available that I salute you. Good job, you. Thank the almighty fuzzy that upstanding citizens such as yourself are around and well to keep the craptacular horses a-flowing.
WHAT IS SO GODDAMNED SPECIAL ABOUT THESE TWO THOROUGHBREDS?
I can tell you one thing; if they did, in fact, have outstanding genetics, they wouldn’t be listed on craigslist!
Does anyone else think they look like YEARLINGS?! Underdeveloped, unmuscled, short, yearling-like tails… Obviously none of that is conclusive proof, but nor is it condemning evidence to the contrary.
The photos are shite so it’s hard to offer up a legit conformation analysis. Plus, if they are yearlings (and the more I look at their builds and the tails, the more I lean towards that clinical assessment), their conformation is going to change a bit over the next two years.
Speaking of shite pictures, why, oh dear gawd why, are they posting a picture in which the horse is spooking (best case scenario) or trying to get away from its handler (not the worst case scenario). Hold on, I know what they’re trying to do! They’re trying to set up the horse similar to these ones! Bravo, sir! Bra-frakking-vo. How lazy do you have to be to not feel the need to snap another pic to replace that one. Perhaps, in the second attempt they could have cut out the gray’s feet, like they did the bay’s, so we can’t see what looks to be fairly long toes on that poor horse.
If they are yearlings, WHY ARE YOU OFFERING THEM AS STUDS?!?!?!?!?!!? *headdesk* (for when a *facepalm* just won’t do)
“Pain in the ass mini donkey
Precocious seven year old with a penchant for opening gates, army-crawling under fences and waking up the neighbors at ungodly hours.
Loves to be groomed by everyone but the one that feeds him. Demands a king’s ransom in the finest hay (only to pee all over anything that might hit the ground). Enjoys regular visits from the vet and farrier (as he routinely causes such a fuss that I need to reschedule).
Thoroughly loves (to chase and maim) dogs and other furry critters. Gets along well with pasture mates (that can out maneuver his back hooves).
Trailers well (probably).
Gelded, though would happily do again.
Potential homes will be thoroughly screened (for video cameras so I can make a clean get away).
Contact with questions.
Fine Print (added 3/12): Despite my big talk here, Donkey is in no danger of being sent to auction or sold to some traveling band of indoor basketball players. I am looking for a home that can give him a job, career or provide that springboard and mentorship into political office. I am not selling him for money, nor am I looking to offload him onto some hoarding situation or Enumclaw funny farm. However, I am asking the same of you and requesting that he be returned if you can no longer care/feed/vet/entertain him. Or, if you find your herd some morning curled up, whimpering and begging for a swift exorcism of the demon donkey. I will do a site visit and check farrier and vet references. If, after reading this not so fine print – you still think you have the perfect fit, please drop me a line. ”
There’s been so much negativity lately, and actually, the post that I had been working on for today was a not to so happy one either. It just seemed like it was about time for a legit giggle, as well as a CL seller that actually cares for their animal – regardless of it being a constant pain in their derriere 😉
Wow does this CL poster know how to evoke a number of different emotions in their reader!
“these ponies were stolen via a bad check by a william turner..possesing chechs for a mr antz..beware..reward for return of these rescue ponies..was said they were relocated to maxton area..prob resold…was said given away…any infor call ##########. paint pony rides with or without leadline has one major vice and that she can be hard to catch..will ride in leadline and halter bareback..really doesnt like to bridle due to past carting issue..but will do it..just needs a litle work..coggins good till january exposed to a black and white A sized mini however cant guarentee she took. can’t be rode by a large child as she is very dainty.. other is a mare b sized mini sorrel in color with star stays fat on air..needs training time ..would be best on a dry lot due to her weight increases very easy keeper. She was exposed to black and white mini as well. Both ponies load and bathe…the stallion they were pastured with is double registered so if you luck up and get a baby out of this deal you got one heck of a steal! Both are rescues so i will be checking their prospective homes for safety, vetting, ect this is an adoption fee and if ever you dont want them they are to be brought back to us! this is 200 each one..will separate if you already have a horse or pony for a companion for them..if not they must go together..first come first serve. must go this week. “
First, I was all sad because ponies got stolen. Then I was kinda mad because ponies got stolen! Then I experienced some confusion because I didn’t understand why they were including details that wouldn’t help the ponies be identified. And last, but not least, I experienced resignation and bitter humor at the attempt to
sell adopt out ponies that they may or may not have.
I don’t know about all of you, but I have problems feeling sorry for an entity calling itself a rescue that goes about pasture breeding their alleged rescue horses! I don’t know how breeding rescue horses usually goes, but gosh, I don’t think they typically wait til a foal pops out to confirm that the mare is in fact preggers. Don’t ya just love how the “rescue” will be checking “prospective homes for safety, vetting”? Isn’t that a mark of a good rescue? I mean, sure, a better rescue would be having their own vet out to at least check whether or not the mares are pregnant, but who’s judging? Maybe they were stolen before the vet had a chance to check them? Gosh, I certainly hope they find their way home in time to be adopted out within the stated week deadline.
Ugh, I hope this ad is just a copy and paste job gone wrong – that could certainly explain away some of it. But there’s no getting around a self-proclaimed “rescue” breeding its adoptable horses. Where’s my rolled up newspaper? I need to lay the smack down on some noses.
…”I’m sorry, I thought you were a marlin.”
Whaaaa? What is with the title? I have no clue why, but the crazy is raining down hard today. That quote is actually from the movie Bat Thumb. Haven’t seen it? Go, watch it now. I’ll wait.
I’m probably setting myself up for a few rude comments here but please note: none of the following commentary on this sale ad has anything to do with the sellers reported disability. That said, let’s have at ‘er, shall we?!
“absolutely stunning 5YR old guilding . He is Paint and quarter horse mix. Mostly black with 3 white stalkings, This horse came from very nice bloodlines however, there are no papers he was rescued from a farm after being orphaned by both parents due to neglect, the farm was shut down and a few horses saved, he was 5mo old when my friend brought him home. I took him to live with me when he was three, he was the most gorgeous creature! he has a kind eye, and a gentle spirit, and he is so eager to learn and train, I planned to work with him, he is not saddle broke, he has had some ground work, and as i say,, he is quick to do tasks. I became disabled shortly after i got him, and i am not able to work with him anymore, it kills me to let him go, but i really want someone to give him the opportunity to be his full potential. My biggest priority is to find him a good home first, re-homing fee will be according to what you can offer for him. please if your interested in more info call me, and only if your serious please, my name is XXXXXX, and you can reach me at xxx-xxx-xxxx . please call or text as i will not rec email.”
For some reason it appears to be next to impossible for Craigslist sellers to sound out a simple word such as, oh I don’t know, gelding? Come on, it’s not difficult! It’s spelled exactly as it sounds! Honestly, when did grade 1 become optional? Do we blame the students? Or are the teachers just passing kids who haven’t mastered the basics of the English language for shits and giggles? Hmm, actually, that kind of makes sense. I imagine that if I were a grade 1 teacher, I would get quite bored after a while. Maybe that’s what they do while the kids are napping (or whatever) – head on over to Craigslist and laugh at all previous students who can’t sound out gel-ding (it’s a long term investment in their entertainment, obviously). By blatantly ignoring the vast resources of the internet (other than to place the ad, that is), the seller has lead readers to believe this horse is in some sort of guild. Since the term is no longer commonplace, we must therefore assume the horse is in some sort of medieval guild. I dunno, maybe he’s a smithy?
OMG HE’S BEING STALKED! By not just one, but three individuals! I hope they’ve reported this to the police. I was stalked once and let me tell you, it was a terrifying experience. Always looking over my shoulder, feeling like everyone was watching me, every move scrutinized – oh no wait, that was the plot of every single crime drama TV episode ever made (yes, that was a hyperbolic statement). Ahem. Stockings. The horse has three stockings. Ok. Moving on.
I’m sure he comes from really nice bloodlines. I’m 110% willing to believe a complete stranger that the
guilding gelding she’s selling came from ah-mazing bloodlines and will therefore be a super-duper wonderful, most excellent competitor. How dumb do I look?! (WARNING: That’s clearly a rhetorical question since no one knows what I look like, and if you did, it would still be rhetorical because the obvious answer would be: very. I wouldn’t respect you if that wasn’t your answer.)
Once upon a time, there was a mommy horse and a daddy horse and they loved each other very much. One day, a stork flew down from the heavens with a basket betwixt it’s beak which it set gently down in front of the mommy’s stall door. Inside the basket was a tiny bundle of joy; the product of the immense love the mommy and daddy horses felt for each other. The mommy and daddy were overcome with joy! They pranced. They whinnied. The world would know of their ebuliant elation! As time passed though, the owner of the mommy and daddy horses grew less and less thrilled with the wee wonder. All those vet bills, the extra mouth to feed, the time and effort required for training. None of those things were looked upon kindly. So the owner, true to human nature, took out its frustrations passive aggressively on the mommy and daddy by neglecting them. The owner was so neglectful, in fact, that eventually the mommy and daddy horse were like “fuck this shit” and packed up and left. Leaving behind what had once been their source of happiness, but was now just a bitter reminder of the changing tides of human emotion and loyalty. Their foal was now an orphan. -that’s what they meant in the ad, right? ” orphaned by both parents due to neglect”.
As for his “kind eye” he actually has what is commonly known as a pig eye. This is kind of cool because most people think that a pig eye means the horse’s eye is smaller, but in actuality it’s the eye socket that is smaller. The size of the horse’s eyeball doesn’t change, just the skeletal structure surrounding it, dictating how much of the eye you see. There aren’t that many articles available on pig eye, but it has been suggested that this conformational flaw may reduce the afflicted horse’s field of vision. It’s also rumored that pig eyed horses have a tendency to be stubborn and pig-headed (ha!) – although how a physical characteristic can be linked to, or even the cause of, a personality trait is crazy right? That’s like saying people with blonde hair are ditzy! See? INSANE!
cha cha chaaaa